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Ailine
Jul. 18th, 2006
01:17 pm
I don't know why but for some reason I am feelig compelled to total up all the calories of my binges. I used to just ignore the calories but lately I've been obsessed with knowing the damage, the same way I am obsessed with seeing how much my weight has swung when before I would avoid the scale for months.
So, the grand total - 2,410 calories.
Jesus. Fucking CHRIST!
Heh, the funny thing, for my height and activity level that's only like 400 off from my recommended daily intake.
Stupid fuckup. I didn't eat any breakfast tacos, I had a diet root beer for breakfast, I was feeling really good, and then I had to drive by a Wendy's. And then I had to tell myself, oh, you can just get a side salad with ff ranch dressing and think of how virtous you will feel.
If I could just stop eating, life would be so much better. It's when I start eating that everything goes horribly wrong.
Jul. 17th, 2006
01:10 pm - Ugh
I'm at 1074 calories today.
Yuck.
I wasn't planning on eating today, and I didn't even feel that hungry, but my stomach was really unsettled so I thought I'd eat a little something to see if that would get rid of the queasy feeling. If I'd just stuck with the 270 calorie lean cuisine, I would have been ok, but noooo I had to mini-binge on two grilled cheese and some soft-serve from Sonic.
Fucking loser, I am.
Jul. 14th, 2006
02:56 pm
This morning I weighed the same as I did on Tuesday, so luckily Pizzageddon didn't do any permanent damage.
Today, I've had one bacon and egg taco, one 1.5 in x .25 in piece of chicken, and an Adipex. So, 275 calories? And I have my trainer tonight, so I am in good shape.
It's the damn late eating that kills me, I know this about myself. If I'm going to eat, I need to do it before about 2, because I consistently lose weight if I don't eat in the afternoon or evening.
24 days til my trip! I hope to be down 13 pounds. That would make my weight a nice round number.
Jul. 13th, 2006
11:03 am
The damage from Pizzageddon wasn't as bad as I thought; I'm only up like .4 and it's mostly salt and water, I'm sure.
I'm back fasting today. I might go ahead and fast all the way through to Sunday 12:01am to make up for it.
God, I like fasting. I like the feeling of being light and hollow instead of heavy. I don't like feeling so attached to the ground. This morning I got up to weigh myself and I felt so squat and solid. I want to be languid and langorous and pale.
It would be so great if I could stop loving eating and food too. Even though I'm dedicated to fasting, I find myself daydreaming about hamburgers. Stupid brain.
Jul. 12th, 2006
08:11 pm
I suck.
And now I'm going to hurt because I took laxies. I deserve it though. Life would be so much easier if I could live off Diet Dr Pepper and gum and calorie free mints. I know I can live like that for days at a time, so why do I eat? I don't need food.
No wonder I'm a big fat loser.
06:24 pm
I'm so tired, but I was looking forward to going to the gym and working out with my trainer. Then I had to cancel because I'm still stuck at work. To add insult to injury, my boss is buying pizza for the office. Luckily, I have zero desire to eat right now, but it's just so damn obnoxious. They never order from anywhere where I might be able to eat anything. There's a sushi place right around the corner that delivers, and also does yakitori and teriyaki and stuff for the unenlightened non-sushi eaters, but the girls here are so damn scared of any food that lacks a billion fat grams or a pound of cheese that they always shout me down when we order food. So, I either don't eat and everyone hassles me constantly about why I'm not joining in, or I binge. Not fun. Sometimes I would kill just to have a nice plain tuna roll for dinner.
I want to be thin. I want to be perfect. It's more important than eating.
Jul. 11th, 2006
08:33 pm - Luctor et Emergo Est
I got on the scale tonight and nearly cried. Four pounds gone. I had to get off and on, off and on, and move the scale around the room to make sure my scale wasn't lying.
My mother told me last week that if I could only drop the last bit of weight, my life would be so golden. She's totally right. I am doing so good at work, and I'm applying to grad school, and my hair looks really good, and I'm pretty attractive, so if I could only get skinnyskinny everything would be so perfect. My mother is always pointing at things in magazines and saying, if you were a 4 or 6, this would be perfect for you, I would buy this for you, but first you have to get skinny.
As sad as this is, I have to admit that my life goal is to have someone refer to me as "that skinny bitch".
I'm thinking of fasting as much as I can before I go on my trip in 27 days. I figure if I can either fast or stay under 100 calories for, say, 20 of those days I will be in good shape. That's not that long, right? Then I can go see my stick figure of a sister and not feel like a hippo. Or at least feel like a baby hippo rather than a mamma hippo.
Jul. 10th, 2006
01:33 pm - Monday!
So far today I've had gum, a Tab Energy, a vat of detox tea, and a Diet Dr Pepper. I feel surprisingly good. I'm also shocked at the amount of time I spend thinking about what I'm going to eat on a daily basis. I guess I should be relieved not to have to think about food. Instead, I'm almost...nervous, at loose ends.
I've had two short overwhelming moments of hunger, but they've gone away as soon as I focused on something else. I never thought I would be this happy going through my filing backlog at work. God bless busy work!
Also, I didn't plan this on purpose, but this is the week I have my trainer four times. I don't know whether this is awesome because I'll sweat out even more fat, or bad because I'll pass out and have to answer all sorts of uncomfortable questions.